Emotional Porn
“There’s certainly a war against the prevalence of visual pornography in many corners of our society—especially in the Christian culture. There is an attempt to expose pornography for its promotion of unrealistic sexual expectations and exploitation of human sexuality. And that attempt is a very necessary one. But what about the unhealthy emotional and relational expectations portrayed in so much of our media? Is there really much of a difference in the hyperbolized sexual imagery of typical pornography and the hyperbolized momentary emotional high felt in a romance film or romantic comedy that sends us looking for a “love” that doesn’t exist?” Cole NeSmith, pastor at Status in Orlando, creator of Uncover The Color
I’ve long since thought that we are quick to label visual porn, but are almost inept at labeling it’s equivalent (for the typical woman) in emotional porn. Here is a great article that Relevant Magazine recently posted about this very controversial idea.
This is the personal blog of Jeremy Jernigan. Husband, father, teaching pastor, and student of truth.
“Is there really much of a difference in the hyperbolized sexual imagery of typical pornography and the hyperbolized momentary emotional high felt in a romance film or romantic comedy that sends us looking for a “love” that doesn’t exist?”
I should say so! I believe that kind of love *does* exist. Sure, some trashy romance novels can give unrealistic expectations of relationships, *but* some love stories evoke nostalgia from a time when people really were chivalrous, loyal, and honorable. What’s wrong with fairytale story settings, adventure themes, faithfulness in adversity, and optimistic endings? I think reading/watching tasteful stories of love can bring out the best in people because it *is* possible to have that kind of romance in today’s age. Maybe instead of the media portraying romance as “fake”, society is lowering their standards of how to treat others…?
“…we’re taught to crave the moment of romantic ecstasy or to live for the wedding day. We’re raised to think these are the real stories of love and relationship, and we’re confused when they are so few and far between that we aren’t sustained… There is such a thing as love. There are beautiful moments. But love is about life. And life is about the long haul.”
I really feel sorry for this guy. He should learn how to see his “long haul’ as the beautiful, sappy, mystifying love story that it really is (or can be!) Sure, real life happens, which includes the ups and downs of relationships. Tension headaches, stretch marks, bad breath- it happens in real life and not in “love stories”. That doesn’t mean that we should trivialize the little things that we *can* do to create those kinds of fuzzy feelings in our own lives. And living real life with the ideals of having that kind of romance in your own personal relationships shouldn’t compare you to someone watching pornography! Maybe my marriage isn’t constantly filled with poetry, flowers, romantic getaways and the like, but seeing the every day little things that make it ‘romantic’, and searching for that “momentary emotional high” isn’t such a bad thing, in my humble opinion…
…Just my two cents.
Leah, thanks for your perspective. I agree that some of these types of stories definitely take us back to the way things should be in certain regards. Where I will disagree is that I don’t think most romance novels and movies like this are highlighting this type of relationship.
Most of these movies/books create an adrenaline rush of emotional ectstacy that is actually unrealistic. Guys shouldn’t think that every girl wants to take their clothes off for them, and girls shouldn’t expect a guy to treat them like the world revolves around them.
From what I’ve seen in healthy, real life relationships, these movies don’t portray reality.
Fully agree. Just as visual porn gives an unrealistic view of physical beauty, romance books and movies can be just as dangerous by depicting unrealistic expectations of relationships. Real women don’t look like airbrushed porn stars and real relationships don’t “look” like those in movies or books. I think often women (the main consumers of romance novels and movies) become convinced over the years that their boyfriends/husbands need to act like movie characters and when they don’t (because they’re human and not fictional characters) the women get frustrated, hurt, etc. In reality there’s nothing wrong with their man–they just think there is because they’ve been brainwashed. If women get mad at men for consuming images that are unrealistic of real women they need to look in the mirror and ask if their media consumption is giving them the wrong impression of men.
Excellent link. I have been plagued for many years of not being able to live up to the expectations placed on my because of this. All the while this unrealistic reality has only been reinforced daily every where you turn. Every TV show every movie every advertisement. And then you get made to feel like less than didn’t by the person you love the most because you don’t live in a Disney fairy-tale or some reality TV show. I am glad to see that someone is finally starting to speak out on a very real problem in American marriages today.
Great Read! I read this on my phone last night at a pool party and the topic spawned a large debate between a large group of guys. The article made it sound like it was females chasing after this fantasy relationship, but the group as a whole struggled far more with emotional porn than actual porn. The expectation builds on both sides, The Fountain and Away We Go are my two favorite movies 100% based off of the character’s relationship and the love they have for each-other.
oddly enough, this has always been my problem with Shakespeare. since high school i’ve been saying that’s he’s ruined it for guys and the expectations that are made for us in relationships.
but, while there may be a danger in the cinema and romance books of today on over committed, unrealistic love, i don’t think that this is one of the major factors in what’s wrong with marriages today (not having a high enough level of priority on commitment is a much more major problem i think), nor do i think the same level of ferocity should be directed at these movies and books as is directed at pornography. i also think that not enough credit is being given to people’s ability to separate reality from fantasy, though my wife jenn has a good point about people knowing something in their conscious mind, but having it affect their subconscious.
on the whole, the article really brought to my mind that there could be a much higher danger in emotional highs brought by the films and stories than i originally thought, but i really don’t think the danger is as high as that posed by pornography.
however, i hope that what this guy says helps women who might be struggling with this issue but didn’t realize it.