Independence is Offensive
This summer we’ve had a more relaxed dress code at Central to go along with our Summer of 66’ theme. I bought a pair of red TOMS shoes that I was excited to bring out a few times. I ended up wearing them once.
I was taken aback by the response I got from people on them. Sure, I realized that they weren’t your normal shoe, but I thought they were fun and they fit the series well. Needless to say, my self esteem couldn’t withstand the onslaught that I received and now they only get used on my days off. It amazed me that everyone had an opinion about them and everyone felt qualified to let me know what that was.
I didn’t think much of this till I recently talked with my friend Matt about the responses that he’s received to growing out his beard. Here is how he described the experience.
I started growing out my facial hair 30 days ago & have had the following observations:
- Initial comments were inquisitive, curious, rare
- After a few weeks, comments from “1st timers” became challenging, perplexed, expected/frequent
- 1 month in, comments from “1st timers” could be described as derisive, perturbed, aggressive
- With repeat-commentators, successive remarks got more exaggerated & included more emphasis on personal affront/disgust, & often took the tone of “didn’t I tell you this was ugly?”
Probably the biggest surprise was that what was initially a self serving decision, was interpreted by almost everyone as a sort of anti establishment statement against the man. For some reason, a man growing a 30 day old beard has resulted in a lot of people breaking with normal social rules (however you define that) in what they do or don’t say, in an effort to “educate” me on what is or is not socially appropriate… Kind of ironic isn’t it?
I’m not really sure what to make of it… The tone of the beard-comments have been less about how it looks or feels, and more about the unbelief that I would be so slow to respond to the increasing criticism. I think I need to wrestle with this a little more, but this definitely goes down under the axiom page: “independence is offensive.”
I completely agree with his conclusion that independence is offensive, I just don’t know why. Why are we so against someone who stands out? It isn’t like wearing red shoes are wrong anymore than having a beard is wrong. They are just different than the norm.
Where is this desire for other people to fit into our standards coming from? What type of clothing and facial hair are we keeping people from because of fear of what we’d say? More importantly, what other things are people holding back on because of fear?
My sense is that our critiques of others standing out must be a result of our own insecurities manifested in two ways:
- We are unsure about ourselves, so we take any opportunity to make others feel unsure about themselves
- We admire something about when people do this and are frustrated that we aren’t doing this ourselves, whatever that would look like for us.
We may like the thought of independence and independent people, but the reality is that it bothers us more than we probably realize.
This is the personal blog of Jeremy Jernigan. Husband, father, teaching pastor, and student of truth.
lol! dude, i’ll be honest, if i saw you coming up to me wearing red shoes i would probably make a comment too, maybe even a joke. something about the out-of-the-norm draws attention and it’s awkward because you don’t know if you should mention it or not. i mean, are they making a statement? do they want someone to ask? surely they can’t be surprised that it draws attention!
but if it helps at all, it would make me even more proud i was your friend that you were so bold. i wouldn’t be offended, but i’ll admit that i probably would look at myself wondering why i lacked the courage…. or the desire….
Hi friend!
First of all I’m shocked to hear of the negative reaction to your Toms! I have a hard time understanding why anyone would make such a comment if they knew about the Toms cause and your heart in supporting that cause.
That being said, perhaps they didn’t know so I’ll address their audacity in becoming your own personal fashion police. I don’t see independence as offensive but then I’ve always been the one to wear what I want regardless of whether the people around me had the confidence to do so. Typically, this is something I’ve always been complimented on.
As long as your clothing is appropriate (as in not too revealing, etc) it does not hurt anyone and I don’t see why anyone has the right to tell you they don’t like it or make biting comments. Same goes for facial hair.
When you focus on people’s differences it drives people apart; when you allow people to be different and celebrate the similarities, you create community.
Ha… if i’d known my email as going to make the blog, I’d have taken the time to word-smith a little!
I’m not sure if I should admire you shelving the shoes (then go shave); or like others, encourage you to test drive the Tom’s one last time. I lean torward the latter… it really is the progression of comments that makes this topic interesting.
3 weeks ago, comments were:
- “Hey, beard is growing in fast.”
… by 9:30a this morning I had recieved the following:
- “The hair on your face makes me wheezy!”
- “Achmed! What are we doing?!?”
- “Hmmm, Wintery!”
I’m either buying a razor on the way home, or moving to Amish country.
Jeremy,
I missed the red shoes, because I was in a great deal of pain that weekend with back issues, but Jim came home and thought it was a “hoot”, so of course I watched the video of your message. I thought they looked great, and fit right in with the summer of 66 theme, and everything is supposed to be more casual this summer. I’m sorry you have received so much negative input, and now you know what your Dad has to deal with on a daily basis! What a shame we are all too critical. Whatever happened to, “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” that my Mother talked about when I was a child. Please wear the red shoes again!!!!! Joanne Butler
I liked your red shoes! I thought cool Jeremy brought the casual dress to his feet with Red slip on SLIPPERS! Sorry, that’s what I thought your Toms were!
How dare people comment negatively … keep your confidence and self esteem in high gear and be YOU! That is what I like about the Jernigan family!
I loved your red TOMS! It makes me sad that there were negative comments about them (and the ones Matt is receiving about the beard) It shouldn’t be about shoes or facial hair as much as the message you are bringing. Plus I love TOMS and that you were trying to show your heart and support for that cause.
Can I start a “Bring back the TOMS” movement? I promise to write you nice comment cards
I think your right about why people are so critical. My cousin dresses a little wild and even family members say awful things about her. It horrible. Personally I thought your Toms were amazing. I almost bought the same pair but I didn’t want to copy you:) I think you should were your Toms with pride!
someone once told me this crab analogy that i think really fits here. whenever someone starts to achieve some sort of success or step out a little bit from the norm there is always someone there to try and bring you back down to “reality,” the same way when a crab tries to crawl out of the barrel all the other crabs pull him back in.
i’m sure the other crabs around us are trying to free themselves by pulling down on those trying to break free. they probably just don’t realize they are doing more harm than good! i guess it’s up to the free crawling crab to be stronger than the others and keep going until he’s out.