I caught up with Kimeron again to continue our ongoing conversation about homosexuality. You can read our previous dialogues here. Here is the latest question I asked him, “I know there are a lot of people that maliciously try to alienate and hurt gay people’s feelings on purpose. Aside from people like that, what do people do unintentionally that cause a gay person to feel judged or isolated?”

Kimeron: “My first response would have to be the assumptions that people make about me or other gay people based only on stereotypes or characters from TV or the movies. For example, not all gay people cross dress, or are sexually promiscuous, or are anti-religion. We are individuals just like not all straight people have affairs or get divorced. It is awkward and uncomfortable when people make assumptions about me, which requires sometimes taking a light-hearted moment and making it serious because I need to speak up and counter the impression that person has. Listening to jokes about gay people, even if not intended to be hurtful, but that perpetuate a stereotype is very uncomfortable.  Jokes, for example, where the person mocks effeminate men or masculine women, suggest to me that the person telling it is not comfortable around gays or is incredibly insensitive to the possibility that someone they know or love might be offended.

Other more obvious ways that people can create an uncomfortable situation is by asking questions that assume the person you just met is straight. I am asked frequently about my “wife” because I wear a wedding band as a symbol of my commitment to Brad. It creates a moment of awkwardness, especially if I don’t know the person, because I have to decide whether to bring up the issue for discussion (which I may not want to do in every social setting) or to avoid answering, etc. It’s much simpler if the person just says “what does your partner do?”.  I know it takes some getting used to when you first start using the term “partner”, but actually I’ve found that in California many people use this term I think because of the many varieties of relationships out here (including heterosexual couples who may not be married, or are domestic partners, or are just dating, etc.).  Not inviting my partner to dinners or social events is another way that can be unintentional, but is unfair and hurtful.

There’s an excellent book written by Episcopal bishop John Shelby Spong called ‘Living in Sin:  A Bishop Rethinks Human Sexuality’ that I read some years ago that was just an amazing blessing to me. Rev. Spong is himself heterosexual, but believes that many Christians have missed the boat on ministering to the human sexuality side of us all. He talks about for example how the church has rites to bless marriages (of straight people), but has no formal form of ritual to help people deal with divorce. He also believes strongly that dogmatically rejecting gay people based on a few Biblical passages that may or may not actually mean what we think they mean, is wrong. His other significant book to me personally is called ‘Rescuing the Bible from Fundamentalism.’”

Kimeron sent me a detailed account of how he grew up and understood about his sexuality. You can read it here. It is fairly long (six pages), but after reading it I was able to put myself at least somewhat in his shoes. We are far quicker to judge something or someone that we don’t understand, so in that line of thinking I’d encourage you to spend a few moments reading through his perspective.

One thing that is evident to me in this discussion is that when the Church talks about homosexuality as a sin, it is referring to a behavior. When gay people talk about homosexuality, they are referring to an identity. I think this distinction is important to remember, especially when Christians seem surprised by how judged and isolated gay people often feel from them.

What is your reaction to reading Kimeron’s story?

One of the things I regularly do is to check my Google Analytics and see info about my blog. Back in March, I realized that I was getting traffic from a site that I’d never heard of before. I checked it out and found a blog from Dr. Kimeron Hardin, a “clinical psychologist specializing in improving health, wellness and self-esteem.” He’s also the author of several books called, “Loving Ourselves: The Gay and Lesbian Guide to Self-Esteem, Queer Blues: The Lesbian and Gay Guide to Overcoming Depression, and The Chronic Pain Control Workbook, Second Edition.” As his profile states, “his passion is helping the LGBTQ community learn to overcome the effects of living in a homophobic and heterocentrist society so that they can live happier and healthier lives.”

Obviously, Kimeron is an openly gay man and has devoted much of his time to writing about this. He linked one of my blog posts in an article as a Christian perspective to a topic he was addressing. At first, I was a little surprised by the randomness of this. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that there was a great opportunity here.

I believe that when it comes to the topic of homosexuality, the Church collectively has done a very poor job in responding like Christ. I also believe that it will be even more important for the Church to respond appropriately in the future as this becomes more and more of a topic in the mainstream. As a result, I decided to email Kimeron and see if he’d be willing to establish a dialogue so that we can openly talk and learn from each other even if we see things differently. Like Central teaches, you can belong before you believe. With that said, here are parts of our first emails and I hope that this creates a healthy environment for the Church to learn how to respond better in love. As I’ve always thought, it’s pretty hard to intelligently speak about an issue like homosexuality when you don’t even know anyone who is gay.

Dr. Hardin,

My name is Jeremy and I’m a teaching pastor at Central Christian Church in Arizona. I’m also the author of the blog, tomorrowsreflection.com, which you referenced in your post called “The Dark Side” on March 15. I’m not sure how you found my blog, but as a result of your link I found yours. All of this to say that I would be interested in beginning a dialogue with you about the issues that you are passionate about. I’ll admit that we probably approach the topic of homosexuality from very different viewpoints. However, I don’t personally know many openly gay people and I would like to know more about your perspective and better understand how you see things. I believe that this is a topic that the Church (collectively) hasn’t handled well and I believe will be an even greater issue in the future.

You may be interested in hearing a pastor’s perspective or at least sharing your thoughts with one. I have no desire to preach to you or try and get you to think differently, I’m simply offering the chance to learn from each other. I realize this email is probably catching you totally off guard and for that I apologize. If you have no desire to talk with me about this, then no worries. If you do, then I’d be glad to learn more and try and understand a different perspective than mine.

Jeremy

Here is (part of) his response:

Hi Jeremy!

Wow! I am so impressed with your email! I really appreciate that kind of honesty.

I found your blog by searching for anything on Jesus and the money changers so that I could more accurately reference that part of Christian teaching in my blog. I try not to misrepresent the church’s perspectives when I talk about it in my blogs, even if I vehemently disagree sometimes with a point of view. My goal has never been to eliminate the church, but to expose what I find are inherent contradictions between what it says at times and how it practices what it preaches, something I believe your particular church appears to support.

I found a lot of wonderful messages in the Bible and the church as I was growing up immersed in Sunday School, general services and my time as a “Christian Youth Crusader” as we called it. But, my budding sexuality as a gay man created much conflict in my relationship to organized religion since I found in my own experiences, my personal relationship with God, and within the scripture itself that some of the mainstream teachings about homosexuality were anything but Christ-like.

I have spent much of my adult life doing my own personal thinking, reflection and studying about how I can personally resolve the contradictions within the Bible itself, various forms of organized religion, and my own personal experiences and beliefs. Obviously, I tend to favor Christian theology that is more progressive and less literal, and in my own opinion, more true to the example of Jesus Christ himself rather than the layers of interpretation that humans have added throughout the years.

And, I have met some wonderful Christians who I believe embody the essence of Christ as a loving, peaceful and compassionate person which makes me hopeful. I would be happy to be a gay friend to you and have a dialogue if it would be helpful to you or someone else who might be struggling.

Let me know where to go from here. Thank you so much for your message!

Kimeron